Thursday, November 30, 2017

Chinese takeout

I have been working real hard these days, even tough I didn't even know what I'm working for. 
Is it for my family, for my future, I truly don't know. 
The good news is that I no longer spend a lot of time thinking about useless things and just fall asleep after a long days of work. Although sometimes I wonder if I'm just wasting my time. 

There are times when I felt overwhelmed and wanted to give up. 
And when I was so tired, I close my eyes and could still see San Francisco.
Few days ago I saw myself wearing trench coat with colorful scarf on my neck. The wind was blowing and I look cold. The street looks very wide compare to the one here in my hometown. I saw the intersection between Geary and 9th avenue. there were houses and shops, and I was alone. I was wearing leather shoes with a little heel like I always did. My hair showered with sun shine. The sun is about to set and I was looking for another lonely meal. I remember back then I would but myself a lovely shoes just to cover up the fact that I had so many lonely walks in my life. 

Tonight I ate with my brother and sister and he proposed to eat Chinese food. He ordered chicken and it tasted like the Chinese take out I would have back in SF. " This is what I ate when I watch Netflix." I told him. 

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

worst date

Welcome to The World Bad Dates

So few weeks ago I went on a date with a guy.

So this is how the date goes...

We have been texting for a good three weeks or so. He wanted to see me but I keep postponing him, cause I was having a real bad acne and I did not want to see him with the huge acne on my face.
He keep wanting to see me, and at one point, I thought, hell yeah lets meet, I think I'm ready for this.

he asked me where, i said let's meet in the Bar we first met. I don't know why I was really into him, he was so quite and I was certainly deluded with alcohol...
And through out chatting with him like super frequently, super aggressively, I know that he will be over for work after 5PM. He however, make me wait for a good one and a half hour...more like almost two hours....

Yeah, he make me freaking wait.
his last text before making me wait?
"Wait I did not decided/ tell you what time.."
And then 30 minutes before he arrived he says " sorry to make you wait, I'm coming"

He came with a big fat white cars, it seem he just get his car washed... then, I sit next to him and immediately felt like everything is just wrong...He vigorously poked on his nose.
He wasn't as good-looking as I thought, huge nose, thick framed glass, a very tiny guy.... I have to say...

I was shrinking in my chair with disappointment... and I thought for a moment I have to be strong, I'm almost 30, and I should lower my standards, let's see he might seem better later on.

We arrived, he parked, I went off the car, he ushered me impatiently with his hand... motioning me to walk faster.. and I did.... we enter the place, he smiled to the bell boy, with pride looking up at them... as we wait for the elevator, I realized... he was freakishly SHORT.
I was 5'3 inch, and he is hell shorter than me... very small shoulder, small bone structure, skinny and tiny and his fingers has this bulging knuckles, not even beautiful hands, slanted eyes, slanted thin lips, I am so going to disappear right now, I am very VISUAL.. this is not happening.

We arrived at the bar, we sit down, and I thought I'm gonna need alcohol for this... this is not happening what have I brought my self into.....
I told him I have zero appetite and I wanted to drink alcohol. he can however, eat if he wanted to ( Of course I have been munching for the two hours he made me wait...) and I bet he is hungry, washing his cars, taking long showers ( probably) Geez, and I'm wearing office attire...
I told him I don't eat beef and he quickly said he is not going to eat beef that night...but I think he CAN, what do you want to do? NOT EAT BEEF FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE??? GET REAL

Then I started flipping on the alcohol menu, he said he is allergic to alcohol.. I'm like "OK" (but I still need to be a little bit intoxicated for this..)
He hold the waitress with his hand and stare at me... (that's when I know this tiny man doesn't understand... what it means to be a partner... you're not my boss, and I shall have my drink..)
So I comply and did not order alcohol ( which is SAD, cause I really NEED it)
Than I thought of going to toilet and play with my phone... (this is SAD... GET ME OUT OF HERE)
And then I went to the bathroom, turn on my phone, and then realized... ( he's gonna check his Whatsapp and realized that I'm online.. )

I came back and told him I have a really bad stomach ache, he seem to believe it.. then I went to the bathroom, I went like...three times.. and I think He already looked so pissed...Then I started talking, I can not concentrate.. just let me out of here PLEASE
I wanted to be invisible, hide under the table.. call a cab... ANYTHING.. I can not concentrate just thinking anyway to run from there..
He asked me if I wanted to go home, that there is no chemistry... I felt bad instantly so I said " oh, no, let's at least finish the food."
The food came. we ate, I keep talking and I get so sleepy... he asked if I wanted to rent a room, and I told him no.
finally done. and off we go home.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Oh God this thing tastes amazing... 
This is Indonesian food, it is basically potatoes, carrots, glass noodles and sometimes, chili sauces. wrapped in dough, and deep fried. 
Still so many things I wanted to accomplish and am taking it slow, one at a time :) 

Back in 2015 I decided I wanted to publish my own book, and I just did. I still have many more book ideas to make. Ah, and helping mom in the office is such a big responsibilities. She's getting older and she seem to slowly gave most of the responsibilities to me, my brother and sister. We never had appropriate training so everything is just basically self taught. But I did my best. 
I mean, that's the only thing I could do now, right? 

The stages of recovery

First you came to a very confusing place, and there's no conclusion, not ever.
Before you begin to feel the pain, it strikes you as a stroke of luck in the form of freedom.

Then you missed the moment of happiness and the attachment it brings with.

At this moment there will be a mix of hate and love, when you try to resist the urge to still be 'there', and yet you ARE still 'there'.

In the end, you submit to it; " I can not leave this place, I still miss him and even if I'm not wrong, I need to apologize, we can still be together."

So you're still very much 'there'. As he keep pushing you away and the wound gets bigger overtime, you started blaming yourself, that it was all your fault.
The funny thing about this stage is that you believe that you're not the only one 'there'... that he was 'there' with you.

After that, you came to a stage of delusions. This is when you started thinking that the other person still think about you. That there must be some reasons that they haven't contacted you yet. Wondering if his post is related to yours, wondering if he is still looking at your social media.

you keep faith that it will all come to a resolution, but even that, you were denied of.
Yes the world is a harsh place. This is when you realize that the level of kindness people have towards you depends on where you stand to them. The hardest part is of course to be kind to people you deem as antagonistic or evil. Here you are being the antagonist in someone else's story.

This stage alternate with previous stage. In this stage, you started telling yourself that you are leaving this place, and you are done with him. You thought that this stage is the most painful once as you wish this stage will be over as soon as possible. Unfortunately, with this stage alternating with the previous ones, these are usually the longest stages.

Then there will be stage of melancholy. in this stage, you slowly come to a realization that you are alone 'there'. The worst part? you still believe that he will come back to that place. So you clean that place, you wrote love poems, you make sure when he come back you are the best he could ever had. You gather and pack all this buildup feeling to show him 'in the future'. The delusions now disguise in the form of hope, that one day he will be 'there', so you waited.

The waiting stage is when you are alone in that room, agonizing every past mistakes you made. This is when all sort of 'what ifs' come to mind. You sort of enjoy the pain of it. You alternate between fake smiles and mournful tears. Beside you, lay a package you so readily give to him; Those feeling you have packed neatly.
At the climax of this agonizing stage, you cried out loud and beg the imaginary him, that he would at least visit the room one last time. that he at least gets that packet you so wanted him to have.

This waiting stage is not going to be long, because at this point, the other part of you were already accepting new people into your life. As the new people and new stories started to unfold, your fake smiles slowly become genuine again; signs of recovery.

Then comes the most painful part. The most painful part is not accepting the fact that he doesn't love you anymore. The most painful part is not accepting that he was with someone else.

The most painful stage is when you don't feel anything anymore. The emptiness.
The most painful part is when you try to hold on to every last bit of feelings you have towards him and fail. That room, over 'there' didn't exist anymore. It is gone. You can not keep your promise that this feelings will always be with you.

 'Even if you don't love me anymore, you will always be that person I will remember." that promise you can not even keep. He is no one now. That buildup feeling you pack? you can not find it, it is gone along with the room altogether.

Looking at his photos doesn't intrigue any feeling or emotion. Neither hate nor love. None.

This is the saddest part. The sudden lost. When you suddenly go about your day without that imaginary room in your heart. That room is gone. When you close your eyes, you can not even see his face anymore, how he look or how does it feel to be with him. Nothing.

" One day it will all make sense." suddenly become "It never make sense and it's alright."
There is no conclusion, nor resolution, ever. At this point, however, you don't need any of it.

The soloist exits the stage. the curtain closes.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Why Remi the Pink Robin?

One time I had a guy who emailed me, and ask me to provide pictures. ( yes I provide visuals), except I'm not a photographer.. He said that in my resume, he sees Photoshop. So that I would be an expert in shopping photos, and he wanted old photos of San Francisco, the one in black and white.
I was just so so confused... :(

When I first started freelancing, there's an awful lot of funny and memorable experience.. and I develop skills like: educating your clients, saying no to impossible projects, saying no to things that is out of my capability, making deals, etc. Freelancing is so much more than just doing art..

I remember when I have to meet future clients, because some of them felt more comfortable meetings than Skype. I would bring my sketchbook, pen and pencils, hoping I would convince them with my drawing skill. there are times when they are more relax and wanted to talk about other stuff, like their families.. sometimes even politics.. and I tried to be as neutral as possible. There are also time when they wanted me to accompany them for lunch and coffee. That made me thought San Francisco is such a lonely place...

The funny things is that, there's always something going on in that city. Parties, picnics, parade, you name it. The people are so friendly, I would hop in an uber and they would talk to me like friends. I remember going to a Halloween party and my friends was super late, but the people are so friendly, they painted my face and we took photos together. It's funny for me, being with strangers that acted like close friends, but that was just how it was in San Francisco.
Eventually when the party is over, people don't really stay in touch. Thus, with all the hype, every now and then I'd still meet people that are alone. They would eat alone, live alone. I would look at them and hope they will meet someone and eventually have a family..
Being Indonesian, living closely with families and friends, I find it odd. " Aren't they lonely?" I always asked myself that questions.. or maybe they just get used to it...

I make my book: Remi The Pink Robin because I think it has an important message. I felt that more people are individualistic today. And I wanted to remind people that we are social creatures. No matter how independent you are, it would be nicer to have someone that welcome you home after a long day of work. It will be nice to have someone that listen to you, and to have someone that will share their feelings with you. I think it is important to have a support system.., and I don't mean your cat, or your open relationship boyfriends.. but an actual families and friends.. people that truly cares for you.

It is so hard to convince people these days how important that is.. so I made Remi. An example of a character that wonders around, eventually he sticks to his root.
I wanted the book to show what love is, and the importance to be kind.  I think it is important to appreciate people that love you ( I think ) not only for dating and.. uhem (sex) but people who really cares for you.. and I hope the message goes through. :)